Weekdays
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Weekdays (pre Marriage)
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Weekdays (post Marriage)
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Monday
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The Dark Knight – 16th time
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Yes Mom, Mummy is doing fine. And you?
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Tuesday
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Xvideos or Youporn?
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80 rs per kg for onions? I’ve heard its cheaper at the Dadar market.
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Wednesday
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Oye Hero, Shivani is also coming..
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Your cousin’s parents are visiting. How long.. I meant how sweet?
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Thursday
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Dude, I don’t kiss and tell..
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What does your aunt know of family planning? Have you seen their kids?
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Friday
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Have you seen this Isabella Kaif MMS?
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Sorry, I am Really sorry. Listen, lets go out for dinner.
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Saturday
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Dude.Always BROS BEFORE HOES..
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What’s with the headache when it’s my friends?
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Sunday
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Zzzzzzzz
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First tell me, what does mauve look like?
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Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Shaadi Ke side effects
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Autobio of the Fraud Mallu..
Disclaimer: No part of the following literary piece may be
reproduced, used in any manner causing stress and premature greying to
the author.
Apart from playing with an absymally large nose of a Delhi neighbour the author fails to recollect any earth shattering events from the toddler days... Little did i know, the intrusive nose was a feature of every self respecting Delhiite...
So Flashback and Skip to teenage days:
It was just another hot April afternoon. The Sun blazing down in all its glory, the peripherals of the huge school ground filled with the chattering of girls who were watching the boys of their class miserably failing at impressing them with their football skills.
Not even a single girl noticed the rotund teenager loitering around oblivious to the world around him. He was dreaming.... Sigh... still replaying the weekends Superhit Muqabla in his mind... They had showcased a song called Chura Ke Dil Mera which had been topping the chart. Our idling protagonist had not been able to express his true inner feelings for that woman, what was her name yeah Shilpa Shetty because of the parents disapproving gaze.
But now, here, free from the confines of his house, he was watching Shilpa Shetty being Chained to the Goalpost in her Leopard Dress. Just as he stepped towards her with Shakti Kapoor like intentions, a flying football swerved from its formulaic trajectory and found its mark near his temple.
"I CAN WRITE" were the next words that came out of my mouth. Friends, not really getting the hang of the deeper and meaningful connotation simply took their Goal keeper to the Doctors room..
Now the Doctor being subject to a variety of excuses that students cook up, did not take the student at his face value, and thankfully coz it was a bloody mess.. Instead while examining him, he asked him "Ok, What have we got here, A bruised forehead, swelling ..., Did you meet an accident"
"No Sir, I met a speeding missile head on.. i wonder why is it called football if you are supposed to use your head even in this game"
" Listen You smartass. You want me to believe you that you are hurt and this is not an excuse to bunk the next 2 classes
" No and yes sir.. Am not a smartass and yes, this is not an excuse"
" You Nincoomp, wait let me take an X-ray , Till then you can entertain me by telling me about your miserable existence in the world, i myself dont like the game of football these days"
" Why Dr"
" Too much of sex and violence involved these days, and i get lots of them at home..... Apart from the sex ofcourse"
" Oh...."
And So it was that Nitin knowingly/unknowingly gave his first introduction... Ofcourse you, my dear lady inspite of being a total stranger can be privy to the conversation that happened in Room no 21 of St Francis De Sales School, New Delhi that day...
"Dr... Twas the Autumn of 81, New Delhi... I was born to Mallu parents who had shifted to Delhi some years back.. I have lived in Delhi for the first 21 years of my life. Hence I shall refer to Delhi as my Home town..
Dr:" Spare me the matrimonial kinda talk... Plus how do you know you will be in Delhi till 21"
"Just a feeling.... Touche.....Anyway Dr, you wanna listen or not"
" Yes, pl go ahead"
" So Sir... My Schooling.. Well, to be honest i dont remember any significant event save the 3 incidents that have made me the man that iam today"
" Boy!!!.. and what were these incidents"
Well, the first incident to have shaped my little mind was back in pre-primary. It was my first day in School and i had apparently threatened to shoot the pre-primary teacher with my LEO gun if she didnt allow me to go home... Needless to say the next one hour was spent on top of a cupboard..
Learning no 1: " Never, I repear Never ever threaten a teacher with a Leo gun especially if you are afraid of heights.. Correction, never threaten anyone if you are standing at the top of a tall structure".
The 2nd incident that was worth remembering was my Inter-school Karate tournament after Class 9th..
"Oh you had taken up Karate is it"
" Yes, and there i was... a junior green belt supposed to fight a brown belt, just because of the lot system in the open category"
" Oh, am sure you must have beaten him, made you proud did it"
" Oh No, As much as i would love to say i kicked his ass, truth is he beat me within an inch of my life"
" and then"
" Then, while eating Mushrooms for Dinner that night, i had my second learning"
" which was"
" Gandhi was right.. Violence begets Violence... Heck i didnt even touch him and he beat me to a pulp, Imagine if i had managed to land one or two kicks... He would just have killed me... "
" So, there ended the violent life of Nitin Nair"
" Meaning"
" Meaning, I gave up Karate and took up Pottery.. Oh what fun it is to create"
" You idiot, you gave up Karate, how do you think you are gonna do after your marriage"
" Dr.. i dont quite..."
" Never Mind.. Continue.. What was your learning"
" Never be the one to start an obituary section in the school newspaper.. There is plenty of time later on in life"
" True.. I dont like dead ppl either... Anyway what was with the 3rd learning"
" This one time, there was a play in which Shivani was acting... Now Dr, you ofcourse know who Shivani is right.. She is the headgirl who looks like Hema Malini and has the strength of Sunny Deol. Half of last years residents in your room were courtesy her.... Anyway inspite of this, i so badly wanted to be in theatre that i went up to the head of the house and told her i was ready to be anything, a horse, a tree, the background voice.. anything as long as i got to be in the play. This pleading went on for 5 days until she relented and made me a Boulder. I was ecstatic.. My joy knew no bounds..
2 days before the play, lil shylock comes down with measles or so we are told... The frustrated head of the house looked at the Boulder and said " Buckle up and study these lines"
The Boulder almost did a waltz with her . It was only her stern gaze that prevented such thoughts from being implemented.
So, the boulder turned Shylock merrily started rehearsing... It was all fine till the last rehearsal when the Shylock actually met the lead actress who was playing Portia.. Shivani..
To be Cont....
Apart from playing with an absymally large nose of a Delhi neighbour the author fails to recollect any earth shattering events from the toddler days... Little did i know, the intrusive nose was a feature of every self respecting Delhiite...
So Flashback and Skip to teenage days:
It was just another hot April afternoon. The Sun blazing down in all its glory, the peripherals of the huge school ground filled with the chattering of girls who were watching the boys of their class miserably failing at impressing them with their football skills.
Not even a single girl noticed the rotund teenager loitering around oblivious to the world around him. He was dreaming.... Sigh... still replaying the weekends Superhit Muqabla in his mind... They had showcased a song called Chura Ke Dil Mera which had been topping the chart. Our idling protagonist had not been able to express his true inner feelings for that woman, what was her name yeah Shilpa Shetty because of the parents disapproving gaze.
But now, here, free from the confines of his house, he was watching Shilpa Shetty being Chained to the Goalpost in her Leopard Dress. Just as he stepped towards her with Shakti Kapoor like intentions, a flying football swerved from its formulaic trajectory and found its mark near his temple.
"I CAN WRITE" were the next words that came out of my mouth. Friends, not really getting the hang of the deeper and meaningful connotation simply took their Goal keeper to the Doctors room..
Now the Doctor being subject to a variety of excuses that students cook up, did not take the student at his face value, and thankfully coz it was a bloody mess.. Instead while examining him, he asked him "Ok, What have we got here, A bruised forehead, swelling ..., Did you meet an accident"
"No Sir, I met a speeding missile head on.. i wonder why is it called football if you are supposed to use your head even in this game"
" Listen You smartass. You want me to believe you that you are hurt and this is not an excuse to bunk the next 2 classes
" No and yes sir.. Am not a smartass and yes, this is not an excuse"
" You Nincoomp, wait let me take an X-ray , Till then you can entertain me by telling me about your miserable existence in the world, i myself dont like the game of football these days"
" Why Dr"
" Too much of sex and violence involved these days, and i get lots of them at home..... Apart from the sex ofcourse"
" Oh...."
And So it was that Nitin knowingly/unknowingly gave his first introduction... Ofcourse you, my dear lady inspite of being a total stranger can be privy to the conversation that happened in Room no 21 of St Francis De Sales School, New Delhi that day...
"Dr... Twas the Autumn of 81, New Delhi... I was born to Mallu parents who had shifted to Delhi some years back.. I have lived in Delhi for the first 21 years of my life. Hence I shall refer to Delhi as my Home town..
Dr:" Spare me the matrimonial kinda talk... Plus how do you know you will be in Delhi till 21"
"Just a feeling.... Touche.....Anyway Dr, you wanna listen or not"
" Yes, pl go ahead"
" So Sir... My Schooling.. Well, to be honest i dont remember any significant event save the 3 incidents that have made me the man that iam today"
" Boy!!!.. and what were these incidents"
Well, the first incident to have shaped my little mind was back in pre-primary. It was my first day in School and i had apparently threatened to shoot the pre-primary teacher with my LEO gun if she didnt allow me to go home... Needless to say the next one hour was spent on top of a cupboard..
Learning no 1: " Never, I repear Never ever threaten a teacher with a Leo gun especially if you are afraid of heights.. Correction, never threaten anyone if you are standing at the top of a tall structure".
The 2nd incident that was worth remembering was my Inter-school Karate tournament after Class 9th..
"Oh you had taken up Karate is it"
" Yes, and there i was... a junior green belt supposed to fight a brown belt, just because of the lot system in the open category"
" Oh, am sure you must have beaten him, made you proud did it"
" Oh No, As much as i would love to say i kicked his ass, truth is he beat me within an inch of my life"
" and then"
" Then, while eating Mushrooms for Dinner that night, i had my second learning"
" which was"
" Gandhi was right.. Violence begets Violence... Heck i didnt even touch him and he beat me to a pulp, Imagine if i had managed to land one or two kicks... He would just have killed me... "
" So, there ended the violent life of Nitin Nair"
" Meaning"
" Meaning, I gave up Karate and took up Pottery.. Oh what fun it is to create"
" You idiot, you gave up Karate, how do you think you are gonna do after your marriage"
" Dr.. i dont quite..."
" Never Mind.. Continue.. What was your learning"
" Never be the one to start an obituary section in the school newspaper.. There is plenty of time later on in life"
" True.. I dont like dead ppl either... Anyway what was with the 3rd learning"
" This one time, there was a play in which Shivani was acting... Now Dr, you ofcourse know who Shivani is right.. She is the headgirl who looks like Hema Malini and has the strength of Sunny Deol. Half of last years residents in your room were courtesy her.... Anyway inspite of this, i so badly wanted to be in theatre that i went up to the head of the house and told her i was ready to be anything, a horse, a tree, the background voice.. anything as long as i got to be in the play. This pleading went on for 5 days until she relented and made me a Boulder. I was ecstatic.. My joy knew no bounds..
2 days before the play, lil shylock comes down with measles or so we are told... The frustrated head of the house looked at the Boulder and said " Buckle up and study these lines"
The Boulder almost did a waltz with her . It was only her stern gaze that prevented such thoughts from being implemented.
So, the boulder turned Shylock merrily started rehearsing... It was all fine till the last rehearsal when the Shylock actually met the lead actress who was playing Portia.. Shivani..
To be Cont....
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
The Night Army marched into Delhi
4th April, 2012
PTI News.
The news of an entire unit of mechanised infantry inclusive of its fighting vehicles moving towards Delhi from Hisar has sent shock waves throughout the government and has threatened to tear the very fabric of our evolved democracy.
Online sites have been going berzerk with supposed Conspirators ranging from the General VK Singh, the RSS and Mayawati. India TV has gone on to accuse the producers of Agent Vinod of this publicity stunt.
As news channels, newspapers face an unprecedented and severe backlash for their news on the attempted coup by the Indian army, we are now in a position to confirm that parts of the report are true. An attempt was made and stalled on that fateful night
Confirmed sources tell us that an attempt had indeed been made, India had been periliously close to an army rule and Manmohan Singh becoming just a silent ceremonial stooge. Much to our chagrin and later pride we have learnt that this attempt of the army was stalled neither by the Defense ministry, nor the Judiciary, It was a brave effort by a Haryana police constable that ensured that the air you are breathing as of now is a democratic one.
We have given below excerpts of a recorded conversation between the army commander Lt Gen Ak Singh and Suresh Tokas the constable at the road blockage outside Najafgarh.
Gen: Constable, Yeh Blockade hatao
Constable: Arey Chodu Singh, Tu hain kaun, Na Minister hain koi, Na Inspector hain, Manne bol raha hain ki chaukhat khol dey
Gen: Hum Northern Infantry ke commander hain aur hum Coup karne jaa rahe hain Delhi
Constable: Abey Baawlipoonch, Bade naye shauk paal rakhe hain army waalon ney, Koooo Koooo karne Dilli jaaney ki kya zaroorat hain, Tu kahein toh yahin bulale naachne waaliyon ko. Koyal si teri boli.. Coup Coup Coup Coup... Coup Coup Coup Coup
Gen: Constable, How dare you !!!, Tumhe pata hain tu kissey baat kar raha hain...
Constable: Naaaa... Tere ko bhi nahin jaanta, tere baap ko bhi nahin jaanta.. Abey Roz paala padtha hain Dilli ke londo se.. Yo sab kahin aur jaake boliyoh..
Gen: Tum samajh nahi rahe ho. Humara jaana zaroori hain
Constable: Dekh Bhaya, Thand ka Mausam hain, Kuch Haath Garam karne ka Sadhan hain toh bol.. Idhar tu pocket dheeli kar, idhar main security dheeli kar deta hoon
Gen: Constable, Yeh Indian army hain, Yeh Coup mey bhi ek misaal kayam karti hain... Removing Corruption is our primary objective, we cannot give you what you asking for
Constable: Matbal.. Gen Saab..aap meri baat samjhe nahin... Aap jaayengey Dilli, Ban jaayege bade aadmi, Hum toh yahin isi Roadblock ki duty kar rahe honga na..
Captain Sharma (who had been silent till now): Sir, Kya iski bak-bak sun rahe ho, hamara paas Bofors Gun hain, 120 round per minute waali LMG hain,supersonic MIG vimaan hain... Iskey paas kya hain...
Constable: Mere paas.. Mere paas Laathi hain Beti@#$@#...
Gen: Dekho Constable, iam giving you 15 seconds to remove this blockade.. otherwise ill have to order to forcibly remove you guys..
Constable: Now visibly palpitating... Sirjee baat kar lete hain na please...
Gen: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9,8,7.....
Orderly running towards General: Sir Sir,, A boy has fallen into a well in Orissa...
Gen: So...
Orderly: They want us for rescue operations..
Gen: Damn this.. Had to happen today only... Sharma, Give the order to retreat.. Constable, we will be back...
Constable: phew!!!!!
As the convoy retreated, the other constable who was watching this exchange without coming close, came to our constable and asked him.. :Nai, Keey hoya bhai, Sab theek thaak toh hain"
Constable: " Kuch nahin Ramsevak, Army waala tha, Dilli jaana chahta tha.. Maine Keh Diya seatbelt ke bina na jaaney doonga.. Uskey Tank mey thaa hi nahin.. Wapas chala gaya"
We got in touch with eminent personalities from various fields and asked them their opinion on Constable Suresh Tokas..
Said Rohit Bal " Tokas is the symbol of a resurgent India, fighting against all odds. My fall collection is dedicated to this man and will be called THOK ASS.. Taslima Nasreen was however shocked to learn that the entire episode didnt feature a single woman "This is a prime example of male chauvinism, if a female had been in charge of the military batallion we would have a woman president today... Oh wait..."
While we expect the whole country to rejoice the arrival of this new hero, political parties to fall over each other to incorporate him into the party, Tokas was last seen trying to haggle with a couple caught making out.
Even as we were going into print, Mahesh Bhatt, Suhel Seth and Arundhati Roy remained unavailable for comments.
PTI News.
The news of an entire unit of mechanised infantry inclusive of its fighting vehicles moving towards Delhi from Hisar has sent shock waves throughout the government and has threatened to tear the very fabric of our evolved democracy.
Online sites have been going berzerk with supposed Conspirators ranging from the General VK Singh, the RSS and Mayawati. India TV has gone on to accuse the producers of Agent Vinod of this publicity stunt.
As news channels, newspapers face an unprecedented and severe backlash for their news on the attempted coup by the Indian army, we are now in a position to confirm that parts of the report are true. An attempt was made and stalled on that fateful night
Confirmed sources tell us that an attempt had indeed been made, India had been periliously close to an army rule and Manmohan Singh becoming just a silent ceremonial stooge. Much to our chagrin and later pride we have learnt that this attempt of the army was stalled neither by the Defense ministry, nor the Judiciary, It was a brave effort by a Haryana police constable that ensured that the air you are breathing as of now is a democratic one.
We have given below excerpts of a recorded conversation between the army commander Lt Gen Ak Singh and Suresh Tokas the constable at the road blockage outside Najafgarh.
Gen: Constable, Yeh Blockade hatao
Constable: Arey Chodu Singh, Tu hain kaun, Na Minister hain koi, Na Inspector hain, Manne bol raha hain ki chaukhat khol dey
Gen: Hum Northern Infantry ke commander hain aur hum Coup karne jaa rahe hain Delhi
Constable: Abey Baawlipoonch, Bade naye shauk paal rakhe hain army waalon ney, Koooo Koooo karne Dilli jaaney ki kya zaroorat hain, Tu kahein toh yahin bulale naachne waaliyon ko. Koyal si teri boli.. Coup Coup Coup Coup... Coup Coup Coup Coup
Gen: Constable, How dare you !!!, Tumhe pata hain tu kissey baat kar raha hain...
Constable: Naaaa... Tere ko bhi nahin jaanta, tere baap ko bhi nahin jaanta.. Abey Roz paala padtha hain Dilli ke londo se.. Yo sab kahin aur jaake boliyoh..
Gen: Tum samajh nahi rahe ho. Humara jaana zaroori hain
Constable: Dekh Bhaya, Thand ka Mausam hain, Kuch Haath Garam karne ka Sadhan hain toh bol.. Idhar tu pocket dheeli kar, idhar main security dheeli kar deta hoon
Gen: Constable, Yeh Indian army hain, Yeh Coup mey bhi ek misaal kayam karti hain... Removing Corruption is our primary objective, we cannot give you what you asking for
Constable: Matbal.. Gen Saab..aap meri baat samjhe nahin... Aap jaayengey Dilli, Ban jaayege bade aadmi, Hum toh yahin isi Roadblock ki duty kar rahe honga na..
Captain Sharma (who had been silent till now): Sir, Kya iski bak-bak sun rahe ho, hamara paas Bofors Gun hain, 120 round per minute waali LMG hain,supersonic MIG vimaan hain... Iskey paas kya hain...
Constable: Mere paas.. Mere paas Laathi hain Beti@#$@#...
Gen: Dekho Constable, iam giving you 15 seconds to remove this blockade.. otherwise ill have to order to forcibly remove you guys..
Constable: Now visibly palpitating... Sirjee baat kar lete hain na please...
Gen: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9,8,7.....
Orderly running towards General: Sir Sir,, A boy has fallen into a well in Orissa...
Gen: So...
Orderly: They want us for rescue operations..
Gen: Damn this.. Had to happen today only... Sharma, Give the order to retreat.. Constable, we will be back...
Constable: phew!!!!!
As the convoy retreated, the other constable who was watching this exchange without coming close, came to our constable and asked him.. :Nai, Keey hoya bhai, Sab theek thaak toh hain"
Constable: " Kuch nahin Ramsevak, Army waala tha, Dilli jaana chahta tha.. Maine Keh Diya seatbelt ke bina na jaaney doonga.. Uskey Tank mey thaa hi nahin.. Wapas chala gaya"
We got in touch with eminent personalities from various fields and asked them their opinion on Constable Suresh Tokas..
Said Rohit Bal " Tokas is the symbol of a resurgent India, fighting against all odds. My fall collection is dedicated to this man and will be called THOK ASS.. Taslima Nasreen was however shocked to learn that the entire episode didnt feature a single woman "This is a prime example of male chauvinism, if a female had been in charge of the military batallion we would have a woman president today... Oh wait..."
While we expect the whole country to rejoice the arrival of this new hero, political parties to fall over each other to incorporate him into the party, Tokas was last seen trying to haggle with a couple caught making out.
Even as we were going into print, Mahesh Bhatt, Suhel Seth and Arundhati Roy remained unavailable for comments.
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