Thursday, July 24, 2008

There is so much redundancy in the word " Fraud Mallu"

“Shush. Be Quiet please
Its not really evil you see. Just seems to have these quirks

Not abnormal… But then not balanced either.

You tell me How am I different?
Everybody pretends to be someone else.. So do I

Everything except what they do currently, appeals to them. I empathize.
Nobody knows what they want in life.. Ditto

It once told me Boring is inversely proportional to Complication
In a strange sort of way, I think I admire it.

I want to be like it.
Abstract, Confused and Eccentric

“- Dude That’s coz..
Now its the norm rather than the exception..
And by the way, the 8th line ain’t gonna get you any women”

Saala Whistleblower!!

“ Neither will this line”

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

A lil bit of India in me...

Nitin: “So hows the week treating you..”

Fraud: “ Cool hain..”

Nitin: “Kya Cool hain”

Fraud:

Nitin: “ Kya cool hain pooch raha hoon”

Fraud: Bas yaar, fati padi hain

Nitin : Kyun. ???.

Fraud : Tu bata kya chal raha hain

Nitin : Bas yaar, Rolling along, what more do you expect in a tyre company ? Oh By the way do you want to know about the genesis of the new CEAT logo.

Fraud: “ You know theres a lil bit of India in me”

Nitin: What the @#$%


Fraud: Listen…

As the skies turn crimson
The demons of the night all but gone
Conches , Prayers fill the air

The earliest ramblers clearly hurting
Smoke and Incense curling and conspiring
Shops yawning, A quaint lil flower shop,
A snack shop beckons

Rushing through Crowds and sacred cows
Scooter Taxis all honking at
Serpentine queues stretching and forming demonic shapes
This is India rising and Shining…


Nitin: Kya Bakwaas poem hain

Fraud: Have you ever wondered how Indians have these queer idiosyncrasies that are so very… hmmm.. Indian

Nitin: Like they are better talkers than listeners

Fraud: I have written a list of 10 things that are very queer.. very very Indian..


1) Thou shall store all Polythene bags under the bed mats:

Polythene bags, small ones, big ones, plastic ones, paper ones, all seem to snugly fit in that vent between the mattress and the bed.

2) Thou shall Travel heavy :

Take a suitcase, Fill it with around 3 months clothes, take home made food enough to feed a whole compartment and there you have it – the great Indian traveler, ready for his 2 day trip. We Indians are heavy travelers. Of course theres a sound explanation for it: U need a change atleast thrice a day. (Babys diapers last longer than our clothes, one for morning, one for evening, one for walking and one for sleeping) and the food ofcourse – What if our co-travellers don’t bring their food along.

3) Thou shall be experts at Fine arts:

Now you might wonder how is this unique to Indians, there of course the Japanese, the Egyptians with a strong cultural history. But we have something that they don’t. Our ability to profess our love for our and sometimes other species . We are trying to immortalize our names and love by engraving it perennially in all our historic monuments. I mean Why would Shahjahan mind if someone writes “ Ankit loves Seema” on his tomb. He might have taken objection to “Ankit loves Girish” but then it’s a democratic country.


4) Thou will make the kids perform in front of everyone and anyone who cares to see it.

“Beta who Hrithik wala dance karke dikhao uncle ko…”, “ Arey, She sings like Sunidhi Chauhan. Beta Sing that song for which you won 1st Prize”. Indian parents take pride in showing off their children and the skills that they had always wanted to acquire


5) Thou shall give a tough fight to Sergei Bubka:

An Interesting bit of Trivia: 2008 Beijing Olympics: In which sport does India have the best chance of winning an Olympic Gold: No its not tennis, Lee-Hesh have still not quit playing Pandava and Kaurava, Sania is busy fighting with the clerics explaining how shorts enable faster movement on court, the Olympic committee doesn’t understand the importance of cricket, the hockey ppl are happy with chak de, well Indias biggest hope for a medal has to be the LONG JUMP/ HIGH JUMP

Lets face it : we are a nation of Jumpers. So be it Qs, traffic dividers, fences, railway tracks you name it , we are ready to jump over it..

6) Thou shall express “I MISS YOU” in more ways than one:

When we say these magical words we really mean it.
They say Nokia had to create a Missed Call section specially for India. The concept of giving missed calls and waiting for the recipient to respond is a recent Indian phenomenon. As Nokia India chief says “ India is a huge market for missed calls” Maybe they can start charging missed calls. Marketers Lend me an ear..

7) Thou shall not let a Bargain slip by:

Just like the Chinese wont give you a bargain, Indians cant do without a bargain. Rice, Clothes, vegetables, Electronics, Cars…anything and everything under the sun… Intelligent companies finally got smart, jacked up their MRPs and giving huge discounts.

Bargaining is an art . And with my dad being one of the founding members, I have a reputation to live upto.

Couldn’t help but quote an incident from my childhood.

Cut to Class 9 or 10. Had gone with my dad to get a Computer Table. As soon as we jointly agreed on the model, I stepped back giving my dad enough space to bargain. Infact I was already eyeing a table in the adjacent shop because the Sardar shopkeeper looked like the kinds who would rather give up his Tandoori Chicken and Daaru rather than give a bargain.

My dad asked “Kitne ka Hain”?? The Sardar with an air of indifference said “ Rs 5400”. This usually is the point when my dad starts shaking his head in a “Are you crazy.. I didn’t even want it in the first place” kind of manner, generally says No and pretends walking out.
The Shopkeeper said “ Accha Kitna Doge” much to my fathers amusement and my relief. This usually meant there was scope for bargain and we were still some time away from being shooed away from the shop.

If you asked me, I would have thought that Rs 4000 would have been a decent bargain but No Sir.. Here I was dealing with a man the stuff legends are made of.

“ Rs 2000” said my Dad… Even as I was trying to contort the look on my face to one of embarrassment, the next moment it involuntarily turned to one of shock even more when the Sardarji Said “ Theek Hain.. Le Jaao”…

My Father gave a defiant look but I knew that he had been humbled, he had to purchase the computer table… To his credit and defence, I must say he did manage a mouse pad and an extension chord but yes that was a huge learning experience for me.

8) Thou shall use JUGAAD at all those times:

Ho jaayega ji… Karwadenge Ji… Need I say more..

7) Thou believes in a Green Environment, and the concept of recycling:

Gifts fall in 2 categories: Useless and Completely Useless, This is true of all gifts that are stored away after an anniversary, Birthday, House Warming ceremony in store houses with the intention of recycling them at somebody else’s celebrations. If you are wondering where the wrappings are stored please refer to point 1.

8) Thou will not be considered a complete Indian unless you take part in the
“The Great Fat Indian Marriage”:
Money splurged in an unabashed display of affection???
A hapless Horse… Even more hapless guy on that horse..

Aunties trying to match the shades of lipsticks with the equally gaudy Sarees

Chachas and Taujis venting their pent up frustration by dancing. People are surprised to find locomotion in limbs which had for long been given up as useless

9) Your Neighbour is thy family Member:

You should make it a point to know your neighbours, mama. Chacha, his mother-in-law, her Chemist, his Dhobi and wife, their children, his friends, their in-laws…..


10) Nitin: Hey Fraud, I don’t think you have written this blog on your own. Rather its compiled from other sources. Why are you not giving credit? and also I think, you have managed to put more than 10 points without reader really noticing it...

Fraud: Well…Theres a lil bit of India in me…